Stegeman - Tight Pants & The Bright Side
Tight Pants and the Bright Side
by Spencer Stegeman
09.09.04 -- The preseason is now over, and we didn't do very well. If this is how it's going to be during the regular season, I'll just pay one of you to wear the opposing team's jersey and punch me in the face repeatedly for three hours on Sunday.
But, this isn't how its going to be. This is the PRESEASON! We play it for a couple reasons, ie: so Ken Dorsey can throw some duck-ass passes until he warms up and starts to actually perform. So Brandon Lloyd can freeze time and pick the ball out of the sky like...(don't worry, I'm not going to use some corny-ass Matrix reference)...like a guy who is going to be something freakin' big. So Tim Rattay can get his body back into the shape that handed the Rams a genuine slaughter last year. The likes of which haven't been seen since Michael Jordan played one-on-one against Corky from Life Goes On (it didn't actually happen, except for in my demented imagination).
Now, I'm not going to go off on how I'm against animal cruelty(which I am, and will debate it if you want to email me). But you can imagine my being torn when we drafted Cody Pickett, an ex Rodeo star. On one hand we have some asshole that bounces around on a cow with its balls tied to its leg, and on the other we have a pretty damn good looking QB prospect for the future of the greatest football franchise ever. Sadly for me, the stinking effing hippy, it's the same guy. And as much as I try to forget the former, his stance in the pocket makes him look like he's wearing a pair of Wranglers that are six sizes too small. Well, as long as he doesn't wear one of those ridiculous hats, I'll let it slide. Because he looked pretty damn good, even though he was playing against third teams. But even against third teams,you need to get the ball "there". And he did just that. I just hope no announcer ever says " he threw that one on a rope". 'Cause I swear I'll get my brass knuckles (yes, i own a pair) and destroy my TV ala Office Space. Then I'll track down that cliche ass commentator and make him eat the shards of my Phillips Magnavox.
The point is that even though, overall, the preseason looked pretty grim, there is no reason to start swallowing that regurgitated horse shit that all the sports media outlets want you to believe. We aren't Chargers fans. Its OK to have hope. Remember in Super Bowl 27, when Leon Lett of the Cowboys was about to score on the Bills, and tried to be cute with the ball? Then Don Beebe runs up out of nowhere and strips the ball? Well, thats gonna be us this year. We're Don Beebe. No one is going to expect us to do jack shit, and in that, we will play the "surprise jackass!" card quite a few times this year. We might not go to the Super Bowl THIS year, but a bunch of teams are gonna be drinking some sour-ass milk (get it?...spoiled?....milk?...sour?......ugh.......never mind......). Basically, don't lose hope. That's something we should be pretty good at (see Super Bowl XXIII).
by Spencer Stegeman
09.09.04 -- The preseason is now over, and we didn't do very well. If this is how it's going to be during the regular season, I'll just pay one of you to wear the opposing team's jersey and punch me in the face repeatedly for three hours on Sunday.
But, this isn't how its going to be. This is the PRESEASON! We play it for a couple reasons, ie: so Ken Dorsey can throw some duck-ass passes until he warms up and starts to actually perform. So Brandon Lloyd can freeze time and pick the ball out of the sky like...(don't worry, I'm not going to use some corny-ass Matrix reference)...like a guy who is going to be something freakin' big. So Tim Rattay can get his body back into the shape that handed the Rams a genuine slaughter last year. The likes of which haven't been seen since Michael Jordan played one-on-one against Corky from Life Goes On (it didn't actually happen, except for in my demented imagination).
Now, I'm not going to go off on how I'm against animal cruelty(which I am, and will debate it if you want to email me). But you can imagine my being torn when we drafted Cody Pickett, an ex Rodeo star. On one hand we have some asshole that bounces around on a cow with its balls tied to its leg, and on the other we have a pretty damn good looking QB prospect for the future of the greatest football franchise ever. Sadly for me, the stinking effing hippy, it's the same guy. And as much as I try to forget the former, his stance in the pocket makes him look like he's wearing a pair of Wranglers that are six sizes too small. Well, as long as he doesn't wear one of those ridiculous hats, I'll let it slide. Because he looked pretty damn good, even though he was playing against third teams. But even against third teams,you need to get the ball "there". And he did just that. I just hope no announcer ever says " he threw that one on a rope". 'Cause I swear I'll get my brass knuckles (yes, i own a pair) and destroy my TV ala Office Space. Then I'll track down that cliche ass commentator and make him eat the shards of my Phillips Magnavox.
The point is that even though, overall, the preseason looked pretty grim, there is no reason to start swallowing that regurgitated horse shit that all the sports media outlets want you to believe. We aren't Chargers fans. Its OK to have hope. Remember in Super Bowl 27, when Leon Lett of the Cowboys was about to score on the Bills, and tried to be cute with the ball? Then Don Beebe runs up out of nowhere and strips the ball? Well, thats gonna be us this year. We're Don Beebe. No one is going to expect us to do jack shit, and in that, we will play the "surprise jackass!" card quite a few times this year. We might not go to the Super Bowl THIS year, but a bunch of teams are gonna be drinking some sour-ass milk (get it?...spoiled?....milk?...sour?......ugh.......never mind......). Basically, don't lose hope. That's something we should be pretty good at (see Super Bowl XXIII).
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